Chapter 19

          Chapter Nineteen

Kate decided she liked the drugs. Not how they made her feel, but more specifically, how they made others feel about her. Everyone was nicer to her when they knew she was in pain. They tended to leave her alone when she was “doped up,” as her father had put it.

Her mother had come home late that first night after Kate left the hospital. Kate had been in bed for hours. She’d slept most of the late afternoon and evening, so she was wide awake when her mother arrived. Kate felt her heart thump in her chest as the front door closed. She didn’t want to talk to her mother. Her mother who had returned to work after leaving the hospital. Kate had vivid memories of her mother telling her that everything would be all right and that “we are going to take care of you.” Then she had vanished with Chad George. Kate rolled onto her side and looked at the clock, 2:30 am. Now she comes home to take care of me, in the middle of the night when I’m sleeping?  The more she thought about it, the hotter she became.

“Kate, honey,” she heard her Mom whisper. “Are you awake?”

Kate wanted to scream at her. Why didn’t you come home! Why didn’t you want to take care of me when I needed you? You said you would. You only want to care for me when I am asleep? I guess then you can imagine me as the perfect daughter. Where were you? Why don't you love me? She wanted to scream at her to just go away. Instead she lay with her back to the door and tried to steady her breathing, feigning sleep, tears staining her pillow. She heard another pair of footsteps, her father's, at the doorway.

“She’s sleeping,” he stated. Kate felt the irritation in his voice.

“I just wanted to check on her.”

“At 2:30 in the morning?”

Go Dad. Kate thought.

“Why now? Why not at 10 o’clock, or perhaps 8 o’clock? Or even, oh, I don’t know, pick a time between when she left the hospital and now.” His whisper becoming louder.

“Keep it down. You’ll wake her,” Meg scolded.

“Don’t you walk in here in the middle of the night and tell me what to do!”  He said out loud.

Kate continued to breathe deeply.

“You are going to wake her up!”

“What do you care? If you really cared you would have gotten in the cab with us and come home to take care of her, but instead you hopped in a car with your boyfriend and disappeared back to 'work.'” Kate imagined him using air quotes while saying 'work.'

“We are not talking about this now, Kate can hear you.”

“The painkillers they gave her knock her out, she’s not even on the same planet as us, or at least me. I don’t know what planet you are on.” Venom dripped from his voice. “Don’t be worried that she will hear something she doesn’t already know. She is smarter and more insightful that you think.”

There was silence.

Kate continued to breathe.

More silence.

She wanted to roll over and see what was going on. All she could do was wait. The silence was deafening.

Then, drained and determined, she heard her father’s voice.

“I want a divorce.”

Kate was shocked. She knew it was coming, she felt it was inevitable, but she never thought she would hear it this way. She found herself holding her breath and slowly released it.

“I can’t live like this anymore. I try to love you, but it doesn’t feel like love anymore. I can’t be your doormat, Meg. And I won’t let you treat Kate like one. You can’t pick and choose when you will be a wife and mother. It’s been 18 years Meg, you have to commit.”

She heard someone’s feet shift.

“You can’t honestly tell me that you are happy with your life,” he said.

“No,” Kate heard a catch in her mom’s voice, “I can’t do this anymore either.”

“Do you love him?”

“Him?” her Mom said.

“It’s been too long, Meg. Don’t play games.”

“I’m not sure. I’m not sure about anything anymore.”

“What is it that you want, Meg? Tell me.”

“I...,” she started and Kate could hear her mother sob once, “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want...”

“Don’t tell me what you don’t want, Meg. Tell me what you do want.”

“I want to work. I want to work all hours of the day and night and not feel guilty. I want to be able to stay at my lab and get completely immersed in my work so that I completely lose myself. I want to be guilt free.”

The words were rushing freely now, her mother finally putting voice to her real self and Kate tried to take it all in without prejudice.

“You asked if I love him. I don’t really think I do, but there is a freedom there, the right place the right time, no strings. No strings,” she whispered, “No demands, deadlines professionally, but no emotional demands.”

She stopped speaking. Kate heard her turn away and her heels click down the hall toward the living room. Her father entered her room and covered her up. As he left, she heard his footsteps follow his wife. She heard the murmur of soft voices, no shouting, no throwing things, just a soft buzz of voices floating down the hall. She strained to hear words but after a few minutes, she gave up.

She stared out the window, her thoughts drifting to their first mornings here. She would stare out the window, watching the shadows move from rooftop to rooftop making room for the sun. There had been such a magical feeling here. The possibilities still seemed endless, but the magical feeling was starting to fade.

Kate decided reality sucked on any continent.

She thought of the story that Mr. Kirkpatrick had told her of how, after a long period of time, he lost even his sketchy memories of his early childhood. Right now, she thought, that might not be such a bad thing. What if his life before was not something he would want to remember? She knew that the mind was a powerful thing that would protect itself, locking away memories that were too painful. Could she be ruining his life again by reuniting him with his brother? What about the other one? There had to be something good about being a family. Who was she to deny him that? He said that he had looked for his family for years. Years! She tried to imagine how that would feel.

‘Lonely, very lonely.’

She decided that she would call the Kirkpatrick’s and the O'Callaghan’s in the morning.

She heard her parents' footsteps coming down the hall. Her mother’s continued past her room without slowing, and into the master bedroom. Her father's entered her room and walked around the bed to the side she was facing.

“I brought you some medicine.”

“Thanks,” she said.

He handed her a pill and a glass of water. He sat on the bed with her as she took it.

“Heard all that, did you?” he asked.

“Yes. I’m sorry, Dad.” She paused, afraid that what she said next would hurt his feelings, but felt there had been enough secrets in the house. “But in a way I am relieved.” His eyes opened wide.

“Strangely, me too. And thanks to your eavesdropping, now I don’t have to retell it to you.”

“It was interesting, in a way, to hear how her mind really thinks. I can see myself in there somewhere, like when I’m reading, or practicing a new move, I get irritated when I am interrupted. I am immersed in what I am doing and don't like to be pulled out of it.”

“I get that way when I cook. But sweetie, there are some things that are important enough to be interrupted for. And they don’t seem like interruptions at all.” He smiled at her and put his hand on her cheek. She knew he was talking about her.

“I love you Dad,” she said.

“I love you too Kat, and in her own way, your mom does too.”

“Yeah, not sure what way that is,” she paused. “At the hospital, the look on her face as she rushed toward me was one I had never seen before. It was almost like she was in pain. I don’t think she would have looked like that if she didn’t love me. Does that make sense? Or is it the pain meds talking?” she laughed. “Sometimes I think deep thoughts.”

“Yes, you do. But I think you are on to something.”

“Yes, I’m on to the pillow and off to La la land as Grandmother calls it. Can we finish this later? I can’t keep my eyes open.”

“Sure thing, Pumpkin. You get your sleep.”

Kate closed her eyes and was asleep before her father left the room.

“The doctors say that in a few weeks we can take that cast off of yer arm. I bet you are looking forward to that.”

The boy nodded yes.

“I believe the bandages on yer head will be comin’ off this afternoon.”

He smiled at her.

“So, what do you think of our hospital garden?” she asked.

He nodded and smiled at her.

“Would you like to try walking later?” she tried.

He narrowed his eyes in concentration and tapped his foot, then his other foot. He lifted them off the footrest and put them on the ground and stood up. He started to wobble a bit and reached for her hand.

Kate, sitting in the grass with her grandmother, watched as the nurse, Carole, offered her hand to steady him as he walked to one of the trees. He let go of her hand and leaned against the tree. He was beaming at her. His smile was so infectious that she couldn’t help but smile back. He walked around the tree, keeping his hand on the trunk for balance. Then he let go and stepped toward her, he reached for her and hugged her. Then he let go and walked steadily back to the wheelchair. Kate could see the satisfaction on his face as he lowered himself back to the chair.

“Ready to go back to your room?” Carole asked.

He shook his head no.

“I completely understand. I don’t want to go back in either. Let's just sit here and enjoy the sun for a little bit longer,” Carole patted his hand.

Kate tipped her head back and enjoyed the sun on her cheeks and fell asleep.