Chapter Twenty One

Chapter Twenty one

Kate was awakened in the middle of the night by a whine coming from the hall. She struggled a bit to get out of bed and managed to get to the door. She peeked out of her room to see Chili sitting at the far end of the hall facing the living room whining. He turned for a quick look at her then just as quickly his attention was back to something in the living room. She hobbled down the hall towards him. She reached down and gave him a scratch behind his ear to calm him, then turned her attention to the room. At first glance the room was empty, but a movement in front of the corner window caught her eye. The little boy, Andrew, was standing there, motioning for her to join him. He pointed out the window toward the courtyard in front of their flat.

“I remember walking down that close. It was before I lost my da'. Billy and I were exploring while our da's were at a rally. We were great explorers back then," he laughed. "I don’t see how we thought we would find anything new in this old city, but we had big imaginations.” He turned to her; “I've come to say goodbye. Won’t be seeing you anymore after tomorrow.” He said it without regret, just a statement of fact. “Only a few pictures here and there.”

“Will Andrew remember me? I mean will he have had the same dreams that I have had?” Kate asked.

The young boy looked thoughtful, “I’m not sure, you’ll have to ask him. Jog his memory.” He pointed to a small drainpipe on the other side of the courtyard. “I seem to remember Billy hiding something over there. Can't really recall what it was. Maybe you could check.” He looked at Kate’s leg. “Oh, or have someone else check.”

“I will.” Kate stared at the pipe. She could only just make it out, but she committed it to memory. She looked back and the boy was gone.

The opening of the front door made Kate jump.

“My God, Kate! You gave me a fright. What are you doing out of bed?” her mother exclaimed as she came in, her hands full of empty shopping bags. “It's two o’clock in the morning.” She dropped the bags and crossed the room to Kate. “Let's get you back to bed. Were you sleep walking?” she asked as she took a hold of her arm.

“Ah, yes? I guess?” Kate used the explanation her mother offered. “I don’t know how I got in here.”

“Here. Let’s see if we can get you back to bed.” She started to lead Kate away from the window.

“No.”

“No?” her mother said.

“No, I don’t want to go back to bed. That's all I do is sleep lately. I'm tired of it.”  The absurdity of the statement was not lost on either of them. She paused and looked at her mother. This was her chance to have her mother alone; to have her explain her side of the story. She knew the reason but she wanted her mother to look at her and tell her.

“Can we sit on the couch for a few minutes?”

“Yes, sure. Here, let's just get that leg up here on the coffee table, and a pillow behind you. There. Comfy?”

“Yes, thank you.”

She felt as if she hadn’t seen her mother in years. Everything seemed so cordial, like this was someone else's mom. The urge to start with ‘so what’s new’ was quickly quelled, her mother didn’t take ribbing well. Kate sat there biting her bottom lip trying to find the right words.

“Things aren’t going to be the same, are they?” she blurted.

“Now what gave you that idea?” her mother said, trying to sound nonchalant.

“Please don’t. I am not a little girl anymore.” Kate was trying not to get angry. “Next you're going to say ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,' but don’t.”

There were a few moments of awkward silence.

“No. Things will not be the same. I don’t know what they are going to be like,” her mother conceded.

“Where were you and Dad today? He came home and disappeared into his room and we only saw him long enough to fill a plate with food and he disappeared again.”

“We had some grown up things to take care of...” She stopped when she saw the look on Kate’s face. “We were meeting with a lawyer,” she admitted. “I'm sure you have figured out that your father and I are getting a divorce.”

She paused.

“Kate, I love you,” she looked at Kate again, “really I do. And I love your father. I know you find all of that hard to believe just now. I fear the old cliché, but it's true, we have grown apart. There is no one to blame. It just happened. I let it happen, I caused it to happen, and oh I don’t know. One day, we were happy, getting married, having a child, the next I was in a lab in a foreign country,” she gestured around the room, “thrilled at what I was doing and realized I wasn’t worrying about what my family was doing. I felt more anguish over failed lab experiments than about missing my child’s play or competition. At work, I always imagined you in dresses, cooking, or, I don’t know, sewing...and then I’d see you in your karate uniform breaking boards with your fists. I really don’t know how you do that, by the way." She smiled sadly. "I come home to find that the daughter I thought I had, was one of my own imagination.”

She paused and ran her hands over her face and through her hair.

“All those years, I can’t get them back and I can’t cry over them either.”

Kate was struck by her mother’s unemotional, analytical reflections of Kate's childhood.

“Keep moving on. I am moving on, your father will move on, and Kate, you will move on and live your life too. We will still see each other but we just won’t be living together,” she finished slowly.

“So that’s it?” Kate asked. “Just moving on to a new life? Don’t look back? That’s the advice you are giving me?” She was taken aback, disappointed tears welling in her eyes. “Is there no point to looking back? What if we lost something in the past and we need to find it?” She sniffed. “Should we just keep ‘moving’ on?”

Kate wondered what happened to hope springs eternal. Hope should just keep its head buried when it came to her mother.

“Kate, let’s not get carried away here. It is what it is; there is nothing that can be done to change it. A failed experiment.”

“I’m a failed experiment!” Kate shrieked. “Failed experiment? What kind of mother are you?” Kate’s tears turned to anger.

“Kate, you are not the failed experiment. I am! I am the failed experiment." A small slice of emotion peeked through her cold veneer. "I am the one who failed. I failed you, your father,” she pointed at Chili, “Chili, I failed everyone and I don’t intend to drag out the inevitable. Perhaps someday you will realize that this is for the best.”

“And Chad George? Where does he fit into all this?”

Kate wiped her nose and let it all out. She may have stepped over the line but she didn’t care.

“Mr. George is none of your concern. Mr. George is my boss, just that." And just like that her emotions were cut off. "Kate, I feel as if I have been very honest with you, more so that I had intended, but this is where I draw the line. Sitting in the dark may give you a sense of freedom, like you are talking to the darkness instead of another person, but that is not the case; we have some borders, boundaries that will not be crossed. And you have crossed the border. If and when I have another relationship is my business. And if it involves you, then I will tell you about it. As for now, this conversation is over.”

“What are the bags for?” Kate asked.

“I am moving some of my things out tomorrow. We threw out all of the moving boxes so I grabbed some bags from work.”

“Where are you moving them to?” Kate already knew the answer.

“I have leased a small flat by the lab.”

“How long?” Kate asked.       

“How long..?” her mother repeated.

“How long have you had this flat?” Kate ventured.

“Just since yesterday, and I don’t think I like your tone.”

“How long till you move out?”

“Kate, you are getting just a little too mouthy for me.”

“No dresses, remember? I’m not the little girl you imagined me to be. I want the answers to the hard questions. Just trying to move forward like you.”

Wow! Kate was getting bolder as the conversation continued, but she just couldn’t stop. She had no desire to stop or pull back. She wanted to know everything, so she could deal with it all at once. It made her feel empowered. Meg shifted away from her.

“Middle of this week. You and your father will stay here until you decide what you want to do. Stay in Edinburgh or go back to the States. It’s entirely up to you. I won’t stand in your way.” She stood up. “Do you need help back to your bed?”

“No, thank you. I am fine,” Kate said sharply.

Meg picked up the bags and headed to the back room. Kate sat there looking into the darkness. Move forward; keep moving forward, just keep moving forward. Sounded like the mantra of someone who was lost in the wilderness?

Kate hobbled over to the window for one last look at the drainpipe; she needed to make a note to remind her to have Gavin, or someone, look into it. She surely would remember in the morning. The morning, less than twelve hours until everyone was here.

She gimped her way down the hall to her room. A small ball of light was floating above her pillow. It slowly rose and approached her. She held her breath as it came closer. It stopped scant inches from her eyes like it was studying her. An icy coldness caressed her cheek and then disappeared through the window.

Kate was bewildered. She pressed her hand to her cheek, so very cold. She sat down on the bed looking out the window wondering what it was, trying to imagine where it went, and if it would be back. Was that the echo of Andrew saying goodbye? After some time she decided she would talk to her grandmother about it. She lay her head on the cold pillow and drifted into a dreamless sleep